The rebuild part 3

 So......Now the fun begins;

  Now that I began to reflect on how stale I was, I began to shape myself up. Where I once had a buzzcut head, now a full head of hair flourished. I used good products on my body and took extra special care of myself. I took the long showers, slept well, took notice of how I looked and felt and most importantly I decided to make an accurate description of myself. Where once I always wore sweatpants, jeans and good shirts now occupied my body. I wore good shoes, styled my hair, and groomed myself. I immeadiately was noticed by everyone around me and I felt great. I quit the humdrum job and looked for a job that would teach me new skills and bring about growth opportunities.

  I took notice of my surroundings. My house was bland as it was the product of a stale woman. I decided to do small things to remove the ghost of my former life. While that process is far from complete, it is in full swing. Gone are the typical "home sweet home" placards and custom art work is slowly replacing the things I once found comfort in. Comfort is exactly what I don't want to feel. I need to challenge myself in every facet and being comfortable is the opposite of my goals.

  I began to make friends again. This was near impossible during my married days since my spouse suffered from crippling anxiety and was suspicious of everyone. Any attempt to make friends was thwarted before the opportunity began. I started pushing myself forward like I used to and this was met with overwhelming success. I guess people really did like me after all. So did women as I began to learn. 

The rebuild part 2

What remains is emotion and mental reflection.

   While the physical rebuild is often easy enough, you must learn to accept the emotional havok and mental stress you are now about to endure. I was emotionally devastated but I couldn't show just how hurt I was since I still have 2 sons at home who still very much love their mother. My oldest is 20 so he was ok with things and just doing his own thing. My youngest is 15 and he was and still is quite angry with her. Helping them endure and remaining a force in their lives was my only concern.

   As a man, I felt broken. I felt as though I had been used for 20 years then cast aside as she had already cheated then moved in with this younger man. I wanted at first to go even younger just to prove I was the better man and hurt her feelings. She was after all a bit overweight after 20 years and 3 kids and I was in prime health and fitness considering my 45 years on the planet. I didn't do this though since I felt a bit like Obi Wan and kinda held the high ground. I decided to reflect on how my own behaviors and actions could have led to this state. I looked at the entirety of my marriage and just how stale I had become. Where I was once vibrant and ambitious, I was now hollow and a bit lazy. I wasn't the man I was 20 years ago and hadn't been for a few years. I missed that guy and wanted him back. That was the mission.

The rebuild part 1

Now that the shock had happened, what was I to do?

  Gonna rewind a little to December. It's the beginning of the month and a few days until she was to actually leave. The formalities have been worked out, I keep the boys and she takes our daughter. Luckily our children are teenagers or older so it isn't all that much of a shock to them. I sit down and make a list of everything I want to change about myself.  These are the things I felt were critical to the rebuild and rebrand.

1. My job: I absolutely loathed my job and felt it was totally mindless and forced upon me by a spouse who wouldn't get a job. Changing this would give me a greater outlook and possibly more money.

2. My money habits: I wasn't always the best about saving money. I sat down with a financial planner who set me straight about how easy it actually was to get started. I also had to get real about my debt situation and how to set things right.

3. My body: This was the easiest part since I was already a gym rat. In fact, the dude she left me for was 20 years my younger but pudgy and way out of shape. I laughed really but the fact was if I was to begin dating again, I wanted my body just slightly better that it was.

4. My attitude: I have always been a people pleaser when it came to women. Time to shape up and put the man pants back on. Time to be a bit of an asshole but in a good way. Time to be a "me first" kind of guy. My boys have seen the difference and didn't know their dad was this badass.

5. The look: Being a dad often means just lounging around in sweats. Time to save those for the gym and be a jeans guy again. Look as though you are ready for the world all of the time.

6. Learn: While she was the one who cheated, I needed to learn what my part in all of this was. Take hard looks at my life and attitude and how they shaped and destroyed the relationship.

  While much of these things were easy to set into motion, I am still implementing all of it daily. This is a difficult process but I learn and grow and have taken steps to become the man I felt I should have been.

November 2020: The shock of my life and initial thoughts

 I thought we would last forever;

  If you had told me even a year ago that I would be divorced, I would have laughed in your face.  I was in a state of absolute denial I suppose but I really did think that. 2020 changed all of that and much more. November was the month my life changed forever. My birthday came and just a few short days after, my wife since 2002 asked me for a divorce. I was so stunned that I could barely think or feel anything but absolute rage. How could this woman whom I had completely supported and cared for do me dirty like that? Even worse was when I found out that there was someone else she had been chatting with for months and was planning to make a new life with. Many times since she has asked me why I didn't beg her to stay or forbid her new relationship. The answer was this: I heard her tell the new guy she loved him on the phone and it killed me. It killed something deep inside me that I'm pretty sure will never come back to life. What it killed was my want for her. Though I still love her and always will, it killed my desire to keep her. 

  What survived though was rage. Rage that I didn't do something sooner. Not just something that might have saved the marriage but rather something that would have saved a part of me. I was trapped in a spiral of trying to fix her issues but not working on myself. I, in fact rather hated who I was as I felt uninspired in my work and in my life in general. This probably rubbed off on her and she often felt she was the reason for my unhappiness. The rage gave me something else though; the desire to rebuild and rebrand myself. While this is a long journey for nearly anyone, at 45 it feels really short for me.  Here is my new story: The comeback kid strikes again.  Stay tuned for more.